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Mister Wolf

Tortured Christian

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I worry about God a lot.

 

My story is probably similar to a lot of people's. My parents are sweet, devout, but fairly conservative Christians. They weren't very communicative about what exactly they believed or expected from us with regard to religion. Poor communication is kind of a tradition in my family. :/ We also switched churches a lot, so that I don't have a "home" tradition.

 

We also have anxiety. Whether it's genetic or learned behavior, several members of my immediate family, including myself, are on anti-anxiety meds. Therapy and meds have helped me deal with a lot of my fears, but I still don't know what to do about God.

 

I don't know what God wants from me, and I'm hounded by a feeling that he wants something from me that I'm not doing. I spend almost all of my time taking care of my daughter and wife, so I don't know what else I could do, but that doesn't matter. I can't read the Bible, because I feel like ever verse is accusing me. I'm technically a member of a church, but I rarely go because I don't know what to say to the people there. I pray every day, but it doesn't do a lot of good.

 

All of which is a huge downer. Sorry! I don't even want to be a Christian; I just want to draw and hang around with my friends and family. But I can't stop obsessing about God.

 

I'm kind of a basket case.

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Mr. Wolf,

 

I wouldn't even try to advise you. But, maybe hanging around here a while might improve, at least, your view of Christianity. In any event, I don't think it would hurt.

 

George

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I'm kind of a basket case.

 

I think you'd be suprised how many of us are! Not to take away from your story at all, but there are many of us (and I don't mean PCs per se - I mean human beings in general) who have suffered/do suffer with anxiety over God. For what it's worth, I think the thereapy and medication is an excellent, rational choice. Anxiety is a medical condition, exacerbated by experiences in life. There is nothing wrong with you.

 

Taking care of your daughter and wife seems like a wonderful thing to do with your life. Perhaps if more people were as loving as you the world would be a better place.

 

I've suffered anxiety about God before, but now I'm so over it that I am at a point where if God wants something from me, well He/She/It is just going to have to make it more bleeding obvious to me! This may sound confusing seeing as I don't believe in God, but I have faith that if there is a God in all this somewhere, it's not the nasty version of conservative Christianity, but rather one that appreciates how hard it is to be human!

 

Peace & Goodwill.

 

Cheers

Paul

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Mr. Wolf,

 

I wouldn't even try to advise you. But, maybe hanging around here a while might improve, at least, your view of Christianity. In any event, I don't think it would hurt.

 

George

 

I actually signed up as a way of facing my fears. ^.^

 

I've come to see my moods as being like the weather. I can't control them, but I can open up my metaphoric umbrealla and go out and do what I need to do, regardless.

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I think you are on the right track seeking professional counseling for your difficulties.

A book I often reccomend to people experiencing difficulties you mention, that can help you understand and deal with in a more healthy way dysfunctions related to family dynamics, that are often early contributors to anxiety and other mood dysfunctions, and in which religion often is involved, is John Bradshaw's "Healing the inner Child."

 

I hope you find something of comfort or value here, that might help you along your journey.

 

Jenell

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Mister Wolf, In my mind you are a good Christian. Moses started out as a basket case and we all look up to him. I think being a good Christian is being a good human. We are human beings so the art of being human is in just being. In my limited view God is all around me and inside me, similar to the sky it is not just above us it is all around us and we are in the sky so it is in us also. We are doing exactly what we are suppose to be doing as we become more aware that being in the present is where heaven exist in the act of just being. The heavens are the sky, around, and inside the act of just being. Don't worry about the gate, it is gateless because you are already there.

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Mister Wolf,

 

To me, It is no wonder that many of us have fears and anxiety concerning God. Perhaps from all the childhood prior programming and handed down teachings. It takes a while to deconstruct such and i think you are among like-minded individuals here that have been through much of the same and may be of some benefit to you. In time and as you experience those feelings i think you will find the source of anxiety concerning God and not allow it to have that kind of power over you.

 

Your brother in both joy and anxiety,

Joseph

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Your journey sounds like a tough one Mister Wolf and I wish you well with it. Its sounds as though you are taking good practical steps to help. I can't really comment on your situation further, not knowing you, but I can identify with some of what you said. For me though its not fear, I just feel a little unsettled and a need to seek out.

 

All the best

 

Paul

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Thank you all for your kind words!

 

Hi,

 

A few more....hopefully "kind". I did identify with your saying that you had no desire to read the Bible. There have been times when I wanted to drop all my various copies in a deep lake (whether or not the one of "fire" seemed irrelevant at the time..... :D ) But the NT words "perfect love cast out fear" have been a blessing to me. As I have come to know them, the love is given - can even be seen as our ultimate reality - and it is love in which we live and move and have our being. As Emily Dickinson wrote..."That love is all there is, Is all we know of Love."

 

This seems to me where so many struggle under a heavy yoke. They look to the Divine as offering love, and various "prices" are quoted by all the various theologies. And under the sway of all such theologies, we each seek to pay the price, or look for the demands that "love" asks of us. Yet there is no price, for God IS Love. I think the problem is the sheer simplicity of it.

 

Myself, I have had to stray far from "Christianity" to see this. I found the loud voices of the "orthodox" silenced my own hearing.

 

Hopefully you will find your own way, which as Merton has said, is not a way at all.

 

All the best

Derek

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