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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes


AletheiaRivers
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God has been feeling frazzled lately, and called in the archangel Gabriel. "Gabe", He said, "I need a vacation. Got any ideas?"

 

"Well, Lord, there is a really exciting supernova in the Andromeda Galaxy."

 

"No, no, I want to get AWAY from it all!"

 

"There's always the Black Hole of Cygnus X. There's nothing in there."

 

"No, no, I don't mean nothingness, I want something soothing."

 

"The Rings of Saturn are always lovely this time of eon."

 

"Oh, booooring! If I've seen them once, I've seen them a billion times. I want to do something relaxing, like go fishing maybe."

 

"There's lots of water on Planet Earth."

 

"Oh heavens no, I can't go THERE!"

 

"Why not, Lord?"

 

"I went there, a couple thousand years ago, had an affair with a nice Jewish girl, and would you believe? THEY'RE STILL GOSSIPING ABOUT IT!"

 

:P

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Want to talk to God?

 

There's this igod website, where you can actually have an online chat with God.

 

I tried it a couple of times and had some funny conversations . . .

 

After you sign in, you type in your question or whatever you want to say and then click the "repent" button . . .

 

http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Edited by curlytop
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "then you ask him."

 

minsocal :D

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Why do men pee standing up?

 

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

 

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

 

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

 

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

 

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

 

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

 

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."What's it called?" asked Eve.

 

"Brains", said God

 

;)

Edited by AletheiaRivers
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So a blind man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink, and asks, “Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?”

 

Bartender says: “Before you tell that joke, you might want to know that I am a blonde lesbian bartender in a lesbian bar, the person on your right is a blonde black belt, the person next to her is a blonde bouncer. On your left is a blonde Ph.D physicist, and the person next to her is a famous blonde feminist author. Are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?”

 

And the blind man says “Nahhh! I don’t feel like explaining it five times.”

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while we're on blond jokes:

 

A blond goes to the Dr and says, "Doc, I hurt all over. No matter where I touch myself, I hurt"

 

The Dr. is puzzled and asks her to show him.

 

The blond touches her arm: "ouch", touches her face:"ouch", touches her leg:"ouch".

 

The Dr says, "I know what the problem is."

 

The blond waits expectantly.....

 

"Your finger is broken" :P

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A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

 

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

 

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

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Hmmmm! Did these blondes per chance work at "area 51" ?

 

Date : 2086 ad

Place : Gus Grissom Memorial Way Station, in synchronus orbit 2,400 miles above Houston

 

One Texas businessman talking to another Texas businessman about their recent visit to The Rutan Convention Center on the moon.

 

 

"Well did you eat out with your clients while you were there ?"

 

"Yeah, we found a small French restaurant with sidewalk seating. The food was good, but there was no atmosphere."

 

flow.... :blink:

Edited by flowperson
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A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

 

minsocal :D

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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

 

"Make me one with everything."

 

(The hot dog vendor prepares the hot dog and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The hot dog vendor says: "Change comes from within".)

 

The monk eats the hot dog and suddenly everything starts to spin.

 

flow.... :D

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"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

 

"Two words"

 

"And, Sir, what are they?"

 

"Right decisions."

 

"And how do you make right decisions?"

 

"One word."

 

"And, What is that?"

 

"Experience."

 

"And how do you get Experience?"

 

"Two words"

 

"And, Sir, what are they?"

 

"Wrong decisions."

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Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

 

He also was quite a spiritual person.

 

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

 

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

 

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Edited by AletheiaRivers
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  • 1 year later...

OK Here's one I've heard recently.

 

What's the difference between a blues musician and a jazz musician?

 

A blues musician plays three chords for a thousand people, a jazz musician plays a thousand chords for three people .

 

I know some people might not like that joke but I thought it was kind of funny.

 

 

MOW

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You're welcome Jen.

 

How about one more I heard at church.

 

A minister wanted the older members of the congregation to start thinking more about the "hereafter". He spoke to one senior sister and said"You all need to start thinking about the hereafter". The women replied "Reverend, I 'm always thinking about the hereafter. Whenever I go into a room I'm thinking "What am I here after."

 

MOW

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