Greetings Ratel,
I commend you for your spiritual courage. Many people have very bad memories of the church. Legions have been used and abused by Christian organizations or Christian's themselves. I do understand what you are saying, and perhaps I might have an answer for you. Then again, maybe I don't, but at least if you are truly searching you might want to consider my point of view.
Rather than me go into a lenghty post here please allow me to direct you to my website. Keep an open mind while you are there and just maybe you might find 'something to believe in'. I hope so.
God bless,
Rev. Steve Holder, D. Min.
Christian Wicca Ministries