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Talked To My Parents


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I talked to my parents about me going to a different church,at least on occasion. I worded it by saying I was wanting to expand my horizons, see how other denoms work. My mom's basic reaction was: "Just wait until you move to Chicago! I don't know what you're looking for in life!" kind of sarcastic, and then kind of griped about some of the problems and transitioning going on in the church(they're getting a new minister July 16th). So, as I see it now, I have 3 options, which I am undecided on:

 

1)comply and just go with my parents, and grin and bear it and be REALLY GLAD when I move to Chicago. This is one option because it keeps the peace, avoids conflict.... and with my new job, I'll be working every other weekend and several nights anyways.

 

2)tell my mom I'm going to a different church, no arguments. This is good because I'm standing up for myself at least a little.

 

3)DON'T tell my mom I'm going to a different church,and just go, and let her figure it out when I don't show up. This is an option because honestly, I'm starting to feel rebellious and get tired of feeling like I always have to answer to her. Especially since I'm 23 years old. Unlike most teenagers, I never did anything against her will as a teenager, yet she still treated me like dirt. So a small part of me is thinking "I'll be rebellious now. better late than never." On a more practical side, my mom has before gotten the impression that my mentioning something equals guilt. She's said many times before something along the lines of "Well you feel bad about it, otherwise you wouldn't be talking about it."

 

Any advice? Suggestions?

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Chad:

 

My advice is to let the sleeping dog lie. What good would it possibly do to rebel now, or sneak around to have your own way and just mostly feed your ego in the process ?

 

Besides, whether you realize it or not, your relationship with a parent(s) is not a bridge that you should risk burning. Your relations with them are made to be lifelong for a reason. G-d wants it to be that way and you only may break it at your own peril. Parental love is still the only type of love that is lifelong and totally unconditional whether you believe that to be true in your situation or not.

 

When you move to Chicago you're really starting the next major part of your life. Since everything else will change for you at that time, just add changing your church to the list. I believe that will work better for you in the long run .

 

Best wishes on your new life,

 

flow.... :D

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So when are you going to Chicago? If you are going soon then I wouldn't rock the boat.

I wouldn't rebel for the sake of rebelling. Though since you are in your 20s and I am in my 50s--

well any advice on that may be somewhat moot.

 

But if you are going to Chicago, I'd say good-- it's a great city. Lousy weather but a great city.

BTW, once there you might check out Wellington Ave. United Church of Christ, if you are

anywhere near there.

 

BTW, I agree with Flow that the relationship with your parents is one you shouldn't burn for the sake

of burning. A bond with them will help you (and them) in many tough places.

 

--des

Edited by des
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My goal is to move to Chicago sometime next year. Once there, the two places I think I'll be most likely to look into are a Unitarian Universalist Church, and I've become very into Druidry, so I may look into finding a Druid organization as well.

 

 

As far as the 'not burning bridges' thing goes..... I agree with you on that. Part of the problem I have there, I guess, is that my relationship with my parents isn't *that* close, and kind of superficial. Our family has a lot of baggage - I was pretty much emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abused; my mom lied to me until I was 12 about who my father actually was(my stepdad adopted me, and then they told me he was my birth dad until that time). Fun junk like that.

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My grandmother died last weekend and I couldn't cry. When my other grandparents died I cried when I found out, when I saw them, and during the funeral. I didn't cry during any of these times for my grandmother. I knew there was a reason I wasn't crying but couldn't figure it out. After the graveside service I sat in a chair and closed my eyes. I found myself "talking" to her. I told her I didn't believe in her god and a lot of stuff I could never tell her in real life.

 

The point is that in the long run it doesn't help to hide we are from our parents/families. My family has come to an understanding -- we rarely discuss religion or politics. But, there is an awareness that my younger sister and I are both different in our beliefs than the rest of the family.

 

You are an adult, Chad. There is no reason for you to be ashamed or embarassed aobut your beliefs. My mom is also good at guilt. If I can't sleep at night I must feel guilty about something. I've learned to simply ignore it, not easy, but I'm getting better. I sometimes will contradict her. Not easy -- and I live across the country from them and have 13 years on you!

 

If you feel a need to rebel now and sneak behind there back, go for it. Like you, I never rebelled as a teenager. OTOH, I spent most of my 20's angry with my parents and avoiding them. It wasn't until I hit my 30's that I was able to do the work necessary to be able to begin to build any kind of relationship with them.

 

Taking into account what you've said about your mom, burning bridges might not be so bad. Sometimes it is best to cut abusive ties. Is there any way you could move out sooner? Live in the same area with someone else? You may find help with a church that you are interested in attending.

 

Hope something in there helped.

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My grandmother died last weekend and I couldn't cry. When my other grandparents died I cried when I found out, when I saw them, and during the funeral. I didn't cry during any of these times for my grandmother. I knew there was a reason I wasn't crying but couldn't figure it out. After the graveside service I sat in a chair and closed my eyes. I found myself "talking" to her. I told her I didn't believe in her god and a lot of stuff I could never tell her in real life.

 

The point is that in the long run it doesn't help to hide we are from our parents/families. My family has come to an understanding -- we rarely discuss religion or politics. But, there is an awareness that my younger sister and I are both different in our beliefs than the rest of the family.

 

You are an adult, Chad. There is no reason for you to be ashamed or embarassed aobut your beliefs. My mom is also good at guilt. If I can't sleep at night I must feel guilty about something. I've learned to simply ignore it, not easy, but I'm getting better. I sometimes will contradict her. Not easy -- and I live across the country from them and have 13 years on you!

 

If you feel a need to rebel now and sneak behind there back, go for it. Like you, I never rebelled as a teenager. OTOH, I spent most of my 20's angry with my parents and avoiding them. It wasn't until I hit my 30's that I was able to do the work necessary to be able to begin to build any kind of relationship with them.

 

Taking into account what you've said about your mom, burning bridges might not be so bad. Sometimes it is best to cut abusive ties. Is there any way you could move out sooner? Live in the same area with someone else? You may find help with a church that you are interested in attending.

 

Hope something in there helped.

Thanks for the advice and input. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's death.

 

In all honesty, I'm waiting to express the extent of my true beliefs for two reasons: (1)I want to wait until I have them a little more solidified so I can defend myself as best I can; (2) I'm also kind of waiting until I move out. It's alot easier to be honest with my mom and hang up the phone if she won't discuss it rationally, than having to live with her with no privacy. And I would *love* to move out now if I could. However, doing so would make it harder financially to save up enough $ to move to Chicago next year. At least this way, I don't have to pay for meals, rent, etc.

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When you move writing your thoughts to your mother without interruption will serve two purposes.

1. It will solidify you thoughts and knowledge. I say this because you are feeling something inside that is guiding you and when you know what it is it will be stronger than belief because belief is just believing in what others say.

 

2. Your mother will read and reflect on what you are saying without interruption, it might take awhile but your relationship will change for the better.

 

You were inside you mother for 9 months, but the psychic umbilical cords are still there so your mother thinks she is the parent, but the roles change all the time. We all have to do parenting even if we don't have kids.

 

I an happy for your insight and changes.

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  • 3 weeks later...
(1)I want to wait until I have them a little more solidified so I can defend myself as best I can;

 

That is a good VERY good reason! I think waiting until you feel more sure of yourself is important for YOU. You may find you want to defend yourself or you may want to simply realize they aren't going to understand (the latter is my situation). But it helps tremendously to have a solid sense of self before you open up to your parents, if you choose to!

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