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Bad Night At Black Rock

Robert Gutleben

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I just turned 65, have some medical problems, and suffer from a considerable amount of pain. On Monday night I watched the red numbers of my digital clock as they flashed midnight. I felt overcome with hoplessness and anxiety. Not being able to sleep due to the anxious feelings, which seemed to be permiating my whole inner world, I got up, feeling scared and angry, to write down my feelings. I have decided to share them because I imagine others have had their own dark experience at some difficult time in their life. Maybe reading about my experience will help someone going through their own dark night of the soul not feel so alone.


I am not looking to be rescued, or for someone to help me feel better. I feel better for having put my feeling on the table. Some may be tempted to feel sorry for me, but believe me, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just needed to talk about my real difficult feelings. So, here goes:


Bad Night at Black Rock


It is a frightening thing to slip into the dark night of the soul. All my thoughts and imagination have become demonic and visicous, tearing apart the very fibers of my being. Forgiveness of of my own transgressions has become futile, every attempt at self redemption is tossed aside like a worn out rag doll. The unknown no longer offers any hope for the future. Life itself has become a burden, and throwing if off begins to sound better than lifting it up any longer


Why does this hell impose itself on me? I'll be damned if I have an answer. I work hard, worship God, try to be good my neighbors, give alms to the poor, even forgive those who have transgressed against me. I know some people who actually believe that a "good life" is a bulward against falling into the clutches of this darkness. Job believed that, and he was overtaken without warning, and without a just reason. And, what could he do . . . the forces that overcame him were as far above him as we are above the ameba.


When that dark night comes it is like a black hole in space dragging in whole stars, not to mention the small particles adrift in space. I certianly discovered, when that night of blackness overcame me, that I was one of the small particles. How powerless we are! The only real strenght we have is the consciousness that we do not have the power to resist the evils of the dark night of the soul. But turthfully, is this any kind of power at all? I think Jesus was right when he said "resist not evil."


Bob the facilitatior

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Hi Bob,


Seems to be not all that uncommon an experience. Whether it is evil or not i personally no longer say or define. It is what it is. Just another experience. A dark night of that which we identify with.


Who or what is it that is aware of this experience? When i surrender totally to that One, i am no longer powerless because i cease to exist and peace pervades. The one who is as a particle in space without power need as you say "not resist" but rather surrender totally in trust as that one particle is in a sense temporary and just as a part in a dream and at any time can yield or surrender to the One whose awareness is in silence where all power resides. This is as allowing oneself to be sucked in to the black hole without resistance.


Not feeling sorry for you in the least. Just sharing my perspective and experience also.



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