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Personal Dark Night Of The Soul


Flatliner
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This is my first post.

I'm miserable and depressed and certainly not full of the joy of the Lord (as some might say). I'm mid 30's, and I'm in full time paid ministry - offering pastoral support to others in ministry. And I don't know what (or if) I'm a christian anymore.

The tragedy is, I think lots of people go through this, but it is not spoken about. There is a majority (in my current circle) who are certain about God, certain about life - they KNOW 'the' truth. I know that they would think I had lost my faith/back slidden. I just don't fit any more. I don't believe that anymore. The trouble is, I don't know what I believe any more. I used to be so certain. Now everything seems murky, unclear, questionable. The only thing I do know right now is that there is a 'being', a divine one, a presence which is with me and in me and near me and far from me. I don't know who or what or why, but I do have a sense of that. I used to call this 'Jesus' but I'm not even sure of that anymore. I don't feel like i have a 'connection' to/with God, and I actually miss that. Life/Prayer/Faith seemed easier when I imagined (!!!) a connection with a person. I don't have that now. The divine being is here but not, bigger than a person, not bound by a gender, not limited by a name. What on earth is happening to me?? I've thought and tried to walk away from my faith because this has been seeming all too difficult - but I can't even do that. Something just draws me in, keeps me here - blind.

I can't walk away from faith but I'm not sure what is left. I can't go back to my evangelical type theology, I just don't buy it anymore. I have too many questions. I feel like a heretic!! I feel like I'm going back to basics, sifting through a mountain of rubble to find the key pieces. I don't know what I will find though, and I'm not even sure if i WILL find anything. I don't know what to do but it's as lonely as hell.

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flatliner,

 

I'm really not qualified to give any advice to a minister -- have you tried Beliefnet? there is a section on support by and for other clergy, you might get more help there, especially as an evangelical. Just a thought.

 

If you still trust there is a divine transcendent being, who is always near, within you, around you--sounds like you haven't lost your faith in God, you just need to talk more and wrestle these things out with Him. Maybe you could work at a different church? Having intellectual doubts about evangelical theology, doesn't mean you've lost Jesus...maybe you're in the process of finding a Jesus who is more real to you. As Paul says in Romans, nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of Christ.

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Flatliner:

 

Many who have come here have had experiences similar to yours. This is a place where some come who have been abused by the world and things as they are, and are sick unto death of it. Your being in the ministerial situation that you are must make this all terriifically difficult for you.

 

If you are playacting your way through life, then it will likely only get worse. You must head towards a goal that will allow you to be who and what you really are. That may require very large changes in your life as it is.

 

I am going to recommend two books that helped me immensly in my own situation, and from discussions that have taken place here, seem to have been helpful for others in like situations. They are self-help books written a while ago by M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist who approaches the human condition from a Christian and loving perspective. But he doesn't pull punches when it comes to describing the world as it really is based upon his professional experiences. The books are, The Road Less Traveled, and, People Of The Lie.

 

I hope that you find some solace in our advice and that the late Dr. Peck's books light a few ways for you out of the darkness that you are in.

 

Peace and love....flow.... :)

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This is my first post.

I'm miserable and depressed and certainly not full of the joy of the Lord (as some might say). I'm mid 30's, and I'm in full time paid ministry - offering pastoral support to others in ministry. And I don't know what (or if) I'm a christian anymore.

The tragedy is, I think lots of people go through this, but it is not spoken about. There is a majority (in my current circle) who are certain about God, certain about life - they KNOW 'the' truth. I know that they would think I had lost my faith/back slidden. I just don't fit any more. I don't believe that anymore. The trouble is, I don't know what I believe any more. I used to be so certain. Now everything seems murky, unclear, questionable. The only thing I do know right now is that there is a 'being', a divine one, a presence which is with me and in me and near me and far from me. I don't know who or what or why, but I do have a sense of that. I used to call this 'Jesus' but I'm not even sure of that anymore. I don't feel like i have a 'connection' to/with God, and I actually miss that. Life/Prayer/Faith seemed easier when I imagined (!!!) a connection with a person. I don't have that now. The divine being is here but not, bigger than a person, not bound by a gender, not limited by a name. What on earth is happening to me?? I've thought and tried to walk away from my faith because this has been seeming all too difficult - but I can't even do that. Something just draws me in, keeps me here - blind.

I can't walk away from faith but I'm not sure what is left. I can't go back to my evangelical type theology, I just don't buy it anymore. I have too many questions. I feel like a heretic!! I feel like I'm going back to basics, sifting through a mountain of rubble to find the key pieces. I don't know what I will find though, and I'm not even sure if i WILL find anything. I don't know what to do but it's as lonely as hell.

 

Greetings Flatliner,

 

Know exactly what you are feeling and talking about. I am a Christian minister myself, evangelist, and have been through the same thing. Though it seems 'bad', it is not. It is a real blessing . You are about to make a break-through to real freedom. Your roots in religion and dogma have been severed by truth. You asked for the truth above all else and it is being given you. Check your PM. I will give you a number to contact me directly.

 

Love in Christ,

JM

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A stagnant, black and white, all is clear and simple faith is... well... not a place for learning and growing. I think God values learning and growing. It's not comfortable - we all know that here! But it is good. Breath. Again. :D God is big. If you know all you need to about Him, you've missed the mark. Ineffable.

 

Brian McLaren has written some books that may speak to you. My favorite is A Generous Orthodoxy. He has also written a trilogy about a minister in your position and his conversations with a more progressive mentor.

 

Also, the Red-Letter Christians (search on beliefnet.com for a brief article). People who want the predominant message/mission of their faith to focus on the words of Jesus (written in red).

 

You're in good company. There seems to be a bit of a paradigm shift from modern to post-modern types of thinking. Metaphor is more true than history. Parables and myth can transcend time in a way stories cannot. Godspeed.

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flatliner,

 

I'm really not qualified to give any advice to a minister -- have you tried Beliefnet? there is a section on support by and for other clergy, you might get more help there, especially as an evangelical. Just a thought.

 

If you still trust there is a divine transcendent being, who is always near, within you, around you--sounds like you haven't lost your faith in God, you just need to talk more and wrestle these things out with Him. Maybe you could work at a different church? Having intellectual doubts about evangelical theology, doesn't mean you've lost Jesus...maybe you're in the process of finding a Jesus who is more real to you. As Paul says in Romans, nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of Christ.

 

 

Thanks rivanna, I'll check out Beliefnet. Yes, I do need to wrestle more, but right now I just need a rest.

 

Flatliner:

 

Many who have come here have had experiences similar to yours. This is a place where some come who have been abused by the world and things as they are, and are sick unto death of it. Your being in the ministerial situation that you are must make this all terriifically difficult for you.

 

 

 

If you are playacting your way through life, then it will likely only get worse. You must head towards a goal that will allow you to be who and what you really are. That may require very large changes in your life as it is.

 

 

 

I am going to recommend two books that helped me immensly in my own situation, and from discussions that have taken place here, seem to have been helpful for others in like situations. They are self-help books written a while ago by M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist who approaches the human condition from a Christian and loving perspective. But he doesn't pull punches when it comes to describing the world as it really is based upon his professional experiences. The books are, The Road Less Traveled, and, People Of The Lie.

 

 

I hope that you find some solace in our advice and that the late Dr. Peck's books light a few ways for you out of the darkness that you are in.

 

 

Peace and love....flow.... :)

 

I am thankful but also sad to hear that others have had a similar experience. Being in ministry is very difficult and I feel a bit like a fraud. Others do look to me for help and support through their tough times and I feel very empty and ill equipped right now to give anything. Playacting - great quote. Yes, I long to live with integrity, but shudder at the cost. THere will be changes and consequences - carrying the thought and notion of this adds to the isolation though. Thanks for the book tips - I'll check these out. I have heard that The Road Less Traveled has been of help to many people.Thanks for your words, Flowperson. Having someone else (albeit from a distance) confirm and validate some things has been an enormous help. Thanks for taking the time.

Edited by Flatliner
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A stagnant, black and white, all is clear and simple faith is... well... not a place for learning and growing. I think God values learning and growing. It's not comfortable - we all know that here! But it is good. Breath. Again. :D God is big. If you know all you need to about Him, you've missed the mark. Ineffable.

 

 

 

Brian McLaren has written some books that may speak to you. My favorite is A Generous Orthodoxy. He has also written a trilogy about a minister in your position and his conversations with a more progressive mentor.

 

Also, the Red-Letter Christians (search on beliefnet.com for a brief article). People who want the predominant message/mission of their faith to focus on the words of Jesus (written in red).

 

You're in good company. There seems to be a bit of a paradigm shift from modern to post-modern types of thinking. Metaphor is more true than history. Parables and myth can transcend time in a way stories cannot. Godspeed.

 

Thanks Cynthia - yes, I am sure (honestly) that this experience and walk/wrestle etc will be good in hindsight. Metaphor is delightful and very rich. Thanks for your response. I don't feel so alone with this, or so crazy. Beliefnet sounds like a good site - I'll check that out.

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Flatliner,

 

I am going through something similar, but not as serious. I don't doubt Jesus, but am questioning a lot of the "easy and clear" conclusions I was reaching about how to live life. What started this with me? Extended contact with nonChristians, good, loving people who didn't fit neatly into my conservative worldview. Something had to change.

 

The "moment of enlightenment" for me? The movies of a director named Kevin Smith (Dogma, Clerks, Chasing Amy) and a reviewers comment that Mr. Smiths movies have characters who are "wrestling with the messy reality of being human."

 

"Messy reality :blink: ". Yes, a life and world that doesn't fit into my neat categories, where God may be much more complex and wonderous and confusing than my books and articles tell me. A vision of life as it really is, not how I want it to be for my intellectual comfort. That is what ultimately lead me to this forum.

 

 

It is bad, but also good. You may be breaking free, not of God, but of the simplistic teachings about God you've been handed. S/He is still there, letting you work through this time. Like having a disease that requires you to go through the fever to burn up the infection. I assure you, He is there, He may have simply stepped back to allow you to sweat out what is necessary.

 

How am I dealing with it?

 

1) Keep praying. If the old way of doing it doesn't work, try the most basic prayer of all: "Help!". I use that one a lot.

 

2) Keep open. Stay connected to supportive people, whether they share your old faith or not. I hope you have friends and family who will be with you through this, nonjudgemental and supportive.

 

3) For a good "overall picture" of the human relation to God, try the books of Huston Smith, perhaps the foremost expert on world religions and how humans express being religious. He's started to give me a much wider picture of what it means to be human and spiritual. He's also helping me deal with the whole religion vs. science thing.

 

Breathe deeply, try to relax, you'll get through this. Many have before you. Be well ;)

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There are two different issues going on from what you write. The first is that you sound like you are seriously depressed. Did the depression come first or as a result of feeling isolated? Regardless, you'll want to get help for that, professsional help. Depression is a serious problem (regardless of the cause) and not something to dismiss.

 

Secondly, it sounds like you are in a crisis of faith. The best help for that is find people of like mind (like people here). I found the hardest part about leaving an evangelical thought process is the feelings of isolation and that no one really understood. It took me a long time to discover progressive Christianity and it has been a lifesaver on that front.

 

There are no easy answers and it will take time for you to regain a sense of balance. But it WILL come. Hang in there.

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The first is that you sound like you are seriously depressed. Did the depression come first or as a result of feeling isolated?

Regardless, you'll want to get help for that, professsional help. Depression is a serious problem (regardless of the cause) and not something to dismiss.

 

Thanks Octobers Autumn,

Yes, I think I am depressed and have booked an appointment with a psychologist for some help. I've resisted a Christian counsellor - I'd like an objective opinion. The depression spirals - almost feeds itself. I felt isolated so felt depressed which made me feel isolated so I feel depressed.

Funny, there is a reluctance (in my old/moving paradigm) to admit to being depressed and not totally fulfilled and joyful in ministry. Truth is, i think you're right.

Thanks for your support - an echo across the world is very comforting and has already made me feel less isolated.

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What started this with me? Extended contact with nonChristians, good, loving people who didn't fit neatly into my conservative worldview.

Breathe deeply, try to relax, you'll get through this. Many have before you. Be well ;)

 

Thanks AslansTraveller. I don't think my experience is any more 'serious' that yours another persons - but thank you for taking me seriously. I hope you too find strength and companionship for the journey.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I too enjoy the freshness and simplicity and profound wisdom (spirituality???) of those 'outside' the church, many of whom live with very attractive and robust integrity, although don't attend a church or identify as people of particular faith. My main ministry has been what I call 'on the fringe', especially with those who are marginalised, deemed unacceptable or have been hurt by the church. This has probably heightened my search for the divine, because I have found many images and beliefs of my current church/faith to be quite 'jarring' to me (and to others). There must be something better. Thanks for your encouragement,

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Thanks Octobers Autumn,

Yes, I think I am depressed and have booked an appointment with a psychologist for some help. I've resisted a Christian counsellor - I'd like an objective opinion. The depression spirals - almost feeds itself. I felt isolated so felt depressed which made me feel isolated so I feel depressed.

Funny, there is a reluctance (in my old/moving paradigm) to admit to being depressed and not totally fulfilled and joyful in ministry. Truth is, i think you're right.

Thanks for your support - an echo across the world is very comforting and has already made me feel less isolated.

 

I would stay away from "Christian couselors." Not that a psychologist who is a Christian can't be helpful but when they bill themselves as Christians they aren't usually going to be helpful. There tends to be more blaming etc. in their venue of "helpfulness" rather than actual psychology!

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Guest yugar

you sound like a very normal christian who has learned how to think. its perfectly okay to think the way you do. of course, it is not pleasant to feel depressed and miserable; but in time all this will pass. there are many different ways to be a christian. doubt is a very large and important part of faith. certainty is not necessary for being a christian. the truth is that you still have a connection with god. your faith is still quite large. your faith journey has entered a new stage. there are many people who agree with you. you are definitely not a heretic; your questioning is a very positive step.

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you sound like a very normal christian who has learned how to think. its perfectly okay to think the way you do. of course, it is not pleasant to feel depressed and miserable; but in time all this will pass. there are many different ways to be a christian. doubt is a very large and important part of faith. certainty is not necessary for being a christian. the truth is that you still have a connection with god. your faith is still quite large. your faith journey has entered a new stage. there are many people who agree with you. you are definitely not a heretic; your questioning is a very positive step.

 

Thanks yugar. I've felt a lof of support which has been great and given me a sense of clarity rather than feeling like I'm fumbling around in the dark. I'm still fumbling, but it is not dark. It feels much more hopeful. thanks for your comments.

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Hi flatliner!

 

I don't have any more words of wisdom better than those that have already been offered here. As someone who has also had problems with depression and a spiritual identity crisis, I sympathize and offer you any support I can give. Feel free to pm me. :)

 

 

PS - I can recommend the book "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I think you'd appreciate his story.

Edited by Kay
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  • 3 weeks later...
This is my first post.

I'm miserable and depressed and certainly not full of the joy of the Lord (as some might say). I'm mid 30's, and I'm in full time paid ministry - offering pastoral support to others in ministry. And I don't know what (or if) I'm a christian anymore.

The tragedy is, I think lots of people go through this, but it is not spoken about. There is a majority (in my current circle) who are certain about God, certain about life - they KNOW 'the' truth. I know that they would think I had lost my faith/back slidden. I just don't fit any more. I don't believe that anymore. The trouble is, I don't know what I believe any more. I used to be so certain. Now everything seems murky, unclear, questionable. The only thing I do know right now is that there is a 'being', a divine one, a presence which is with me and in me and near me and far from me. I don't know who or what or why, but I do have a sense of that. I used to call this 'Jesus' but I'm not even sure of that anymore. I don't feel like i have a 'connection' to/with God, and I actually miss that. Life/Prayer/Faith seemed easier when I imagined (!!!) a connection with a person. I don't have that now. The divine being is here but not, bigger than a person, not bound by a gender, not limited by a name. What on earth is happening to me?? I've thought and tried to walk away from my faith because this has been seeming all too difficult - but I can't even do that. Something just draws me in, keeps me here - blind.

I can't walk away from faith but I'm not sure what is left. I can't go back to my evangelical type theology, I just don't buy it anymore. I have too many questions. I feel like a heretic!! I feel like I'm going back to basics, sifting through a mountain of rubble to find the key pieces. I don't know what I will find though, and I'm not even sure if i WILL find anything. I don't know what to do but it's as lonely as hell.

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Hi, Flatliner,

 

First off, better change your name! ;)

 

Anyway, sounds like you've gotten some good advice here. A belated welcome to you.

 

I've little to add, except to note that dogmas, etc, can sometimes be shackles in our spiritual growth. And casting them off can be painful. But of course, one can abandon dogma, but still believe in God, and even feel a relationship, however distant, with Him/Her/It. (We need a special pronoun for God)

 

My two sons are Evangelicals, one a preacher, and we remain friends. I guess we've learned to stip arguing about religion. When I go to church, I go to theirs. I find much to admire in their congregation--but cannot share their beliefs. Yet now I would not try to talk them out of them. They may be at the righ place for them, since their journey is not mine.

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Hi Jeannot, thanks for the welcome. I've just re-read my post and it feels like a lot has happened in a month. I think I'm living in dog years at the moment as time seems to pass at a weird rate.

 

I find much to admire in their congregation--but cannot share their beliefs. Yet now I would not try to talk them out of them. They may be at the righ place for them, since their journey is not mine.

 

Yes, I can relate to that. It feels like that part/path/approach/style/system was an essential part of my journey. I don't regret it, and there are parts of it (and people) I miss. It's a bit like mourning, but that sounds a bit dramatic to say. It is no longer my journey and I can't and don't 'fit' there anymore. I'm reading a lot lately (Matthew Fox / Thomas Merton) which I'm enjoying. I'm also resisting the urge to just run off and find 'another' fit (albeit quite different), rather than wrestling with what I actually believe. (and also trying to leave behind some old vocabulary - at one stage I might have said "wrestling with what is true")

 

Yes! a special pronoun for God would be good. I like Flowperson's use of 'G-d' - that seems to resound with me at the moment. I went to a different church on Sunday, and at the end of the service, the minister gave a blessing in the name of the Father, Mother, Son and Holy Spirit. I liked that.

 

kind regards

Flatliner (yes, I probably DO need to change my name) :huh:

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Flatliner (is it "comfortable certainty" that has flatlined?) -

 

Just so you know, I'd rather attend a church led by someone who has had a "personal dark night of the soul" than by someone who has not. You have more credibility this way. People who haven't / can't / won't wrestle with uncertainty are usually way too dogmatic and unempathic for my taste.

 

Topaz

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm new here. Just read through this thread. Flatliner, I sent you a pm.

 

I see there has been progress or change in the past month but I'd like to respond to a few themes for what it's worth.

 

About certainty. It has occurred to me that feeling certain about things like God's existence, how the universe came into being, what happens when we die, etc. might be the lazy man's way. It requires faith not to know these things. Yet for me it's liberating. My aim is to find Truth. I found it very stressful evaluating all the arguments for and against creation and evolution. I came across the idea some years ago that the origin of the universe is not the preoccupation of all people. Some people (religions) just don't ask the question. I asked myself why it is so important to know the answer. I concluded that it's not important.

 

Earlier this week I came across an essay of a Baptist preacher of a conservative congregation and he is an atheist. He feels his commitment is to preach the Word and he does so. He stays away from contraversial topics and when people ask him for advice or if he sees things happening regarding activating against some liberal goal he discourages it.

 

On one level it looks hypocritical and he is aware of this. On the deeper level I think his integrity is intact. I find myself on the margins, too. I post on an ex-Christian forum and now I am also here. I have searched high and low for a spiritual identity that fits me. I explored a variety of beliefs very intentionally. I conclude that I don't fit into any specific religious system. I think I am simply spiritual and it seems I can apply any belief system to make sense of my life. Humanism is my system of first choice but Christianity is almost a tie. Yet Goldilocks and the Three Bears or Lion King, or pretty much any myth would work.

 

I find myself in deep and serious discussion about the faith from the conservative Christian perspective and just as easily discussing life with ex-Christians or people who have never been religious. I don't know if this is a higher level of spirituality than fitting into a specific religion but sometimes I think it is. Other times I think I'm just unique and don't fit in anywhere and this is making the best of the situation.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, relax. Don't worry too much about having it "right." I think it doesn't matter whether or not God exists, nor does it matter what happens when we die. Being true to who we are where we are in our time will allow us to live fully and joyfully. Not the-smiling-all-the-time joy, but a deeper joy that passes all understanding. It just is. Like the deep calm of the very deep ocean. They say far down the ocean is always calm. I don't know if it's true. Never been there. But I like the thought that no matter how violent the storm rages on life's surface, it is possible to be calm deep down. I don't always manage it but it's a metaphor I like.

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  • 1 month later...

Flatliner

Like you, I have had a similar experience. I spent a year in hospital for a series of five operations the left me unable to walk and be independent. I also felt neglected and abanded. The only words in the bible that made any sense to me was Jesus on the cross saying "My, God, my God, why has thou forsaken me."

 

I am impressed that despite you depression and "loss of faith" yoy still believed in God. I wanted to blame him rather then let go of him. Yet, I still want to chant over and over again, the first verse of "Abide with me." It helped me through the long nights of pain and sleeplessness.

 

Abide with me,

Fast falls the evening tide,

The darkness deepens,

Lord with me abide,

When other helpers

Fail and comforts flee,

Help all the helples souls,

Abide with me

 

When I escape into my own apartment with attendent care, I found I didn't hate my sister for abandoning me but I did hate her fundamentalist religion. I needed an alternative. I started to study theology on my own: Elain Pagels, John Crossin, Marcus Borg, Bishop John Spong, Tom Harper, and Timithy Freke and Peter Gandi. I start to see Christ as an archetype rather then a historical person. Christ became for me a spirit of Wholeness that connect the universe and was the compassion that could connect us to each other. I also don't believe I could "suffer with" (compassion) until I had worked through suffering myself.

 

One of the first books I read was Matthew Fox's "Original Blessing": a very differcult book. However I was intrigued by the links between the via negativa, the via creativa and the via transformativa. I started to attend Ruaha, a church based on this Creation Spirituality. The pastorial leader gave a homily on how in chemisty, fire can either destroy a raw material or purify it. We can either choose to let the via negativa or suffering in our lives to either destroy us or to purify us. This gave me a new perspective on my hospital experience--I began to see it as tranformative as well as negative.

 

For me naming, writing, speaking and sharing my experience--the via creativa-- help me to let go of my loss and be transformed. I wasn't even aware of how I had been transformed until I had to give a speach "Transforming Darkness into Light." for Celebrate Women, an ecumenical Group. I discovered that as long as I felt connected to at least a few people I could be happy despite whatever else was going on in my life. Matthew Fox "The Cosmic Christ" defines Christ as "that which connects." My search is to deepen this experience.

 

Right now you feel discourage about your ability to be a pastorial leader, but to me you sound as thouugh you are working through your current experience. This will eventually give you greater depth as a minister. The problem with the via negativa is that we don't see the transformation until we have been through it and transcended iit.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I often struggle with hope. I dispair when know about the crisis of homelessness inj Toronto and politicians up for election barely even mention this criisis, let alone offer solid plans to do anything about it. I dispair when 9/11 happened, no one mentioned the 26.0000 childeren who died that day of hunger and hunger related diseases. Now tthe number of children is 30,000. I dispair when hear that fundamentalistt support Isreal when they oppress the Palestinians as this will hasten Afmegedon.

 

Yet, I have some hope when I hear David lewis, former UN envoy for HIV/AIDs in Africa speak about the reliency of the Grandmothers in Africa. I have hope the the current US election will turn things around, particularily regarding Iraq. I have hape that Jim Wallis, www.sojo.net will galvanize all Chriatians, left and right, to see the fight against proverty and the enviroment as pro-life issues.

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Marilyn:

 

I believe that we all sense the intense amount of suffering and despair that is out there. Yes...hope is a wonderful thing for it gives us a possible alternative future to what we see and hear about all around us. Unless there is a disaster many neglect their local charities and those with international reach that are dedicated to alleviating some of this.

 

In my own case I give what I can and usually to the Red Cross, Catholic Charities, Islamic Relief, the Salvation Army, and some others less often. It isn't much, but I was raised to believe that faith, hope, and charity are the foundations of society. Without these three we are surely all lost. It's not up to the Democrats or any other institutional power, but it is up to us and our collective will to help make life better for those who do not have the power or resources to. And through our collective will to urge those with greater access to resources to provide all of the help that they can afford.

 

I am greatly encouraged by what Bill Gates and his wife have done already through their foundation, and also the immense resources that Warren Buffet is also providing to that effort.

 

Keep the faith. Without that hope and charity are not possible

 

Peace and love....flow :)

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