Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Cynthia Sheldon]

A son asks his father if he can start using the car more often. The father said, "I'll give you 3 weeks to improve your grades, get a haircut, and read your Bible more often."

3 weeks later, the father and son talk again. The son says, "I've done what you asked and I would like to borrow the car now.

The father says, "I've noticed you've been coming to church on time and you've been reading your Bible, but you still haven't cut your hair.

The son replies, "I've been thinking while I've been reading the Bible. All the men in the Bible had long hair, including Jesus."

The father replied, "Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"

[MOW]

OK here's one I heard recently.

 

A couple in their early sixties were at a restaurant celebrating 40 years of marriage . All of a sudden a fairy appears at the table and says," In honor of your 40 years commitment to each other I'll grant each of you one wish".

 

The woman says" I want to sail around the world with my wonderful husband". Immediatly two tickets on a luxury ocean liner appeared in her hand. The fairy and the woman turned to the man who says "That's all very romantic, but I wish for a wife 30 years younger than myself . The woman and the fairy looked at each other . The fairy waved her wand and the man instantly became 92 years old.

 

 

MOW

Edited May 26, 2008 by MOW

[glintofpewter]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

 

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[glintofpewter]

Joke for the day: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

 

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

 

"No," the blonde yelled back, "It's a scarf!"

[JosephM]

A couple who were never married but lived happily and lovingly together all their lives after a fatal car accident appeared at the pearly gates.

 

St Peter sat them down in a waiting room outside the gates to discuss their life. The only thing preventing them from entering was their lack of being married. They suggested to St Peter that they were now willing and asked if they could be married now so they could enter.

 

St Peter said, "I will check, stay here until I return and i will let you know."

 

Days and then weeks passed and finally months later St Peter returns. He says, "Okay, the preacher will be here in 10 minutes and you can get married"

 

Well the couple had been in this arrangement so long that while they were waiting they were concerned that after all it might not work out being married especially since they got along so well as they were.

 

So they asked St Peter if it didn't work out could they get divorced in heaven.

 

St Peter replied. "Look! It took me months to find a preacher up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a lawyer?

[glintofpewter]

Good one Joseph

[romansh]

In light of some of the nonsense regarding Satan ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

Satan welcomes him and says: "Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. Satan says: "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and Satan shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around; kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. Satan says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks Satan "What is going on there?"

And the punchline:

Satan just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way."

Edited December 16, 2022 by romansh

[tariki]

Here are two I like..........well, I can't tell the one about the Foreign Legion camel..........😇

 

A small congregation of Catholics in a village in Ireland were told that their priest must take six months absence owing to health reasons. On leaving he told his flock that should they need any counselling during his absence that they should approach the Protestant vicar.

Meeting in the local pub they elected one of them to go to the vicar, to ask a question or two. This man knocked on the vicar's door and the vicar answered and asked what the problem was.

" Well, we have been asked to approach you with any problems but we have no idea exactly how to address you"

"Oh, then how do you address your priest?" the vicar said.

" We call him 'Father' " the man answered.

"Then call me 'Father' " replied the vicar.

The man returned to pub and exclaimed to the others: " You won't believe it! He wants us to call him 'Father', him with a wife and six kids! "

 

And the other:-

 

A guy loves betting and likes the races, particularly watching the horses being paraded around the ring prior to their race. One day he is watching this parade and notices a Catholic priest stretch out in front of one of the horses and gesticulate with his hands. He thinks little of it but sees that the horse actually wins the race. During the next parade the priest does much the same and once again the horse wins! Thinking he is onto a winner he goes back to the parade ring and keeps watch. Sure enough, the priest leans out and once more gesticulates. The man runs off to the track bookie and puts £100 on the horse.

It falls at the first fence and sadly has to be shot.

The man runs back to the parade ring and starts shouting at the priest. "What on earth are you playing at? You picked out a couple of winners then mine falls at the first and has to be shot!"

" Ah" says the priest, "I can tell you are not a Catholic. If you were you would know the difference between a Blessing and the Last Ritespanpan widget

Edited December 16, 2022 by tariki

[romansh]

19 minutes ago, tariki said:

well, I can't tell the one about the Foreign Legion camel.

Is it with the punchline ... only if you get your thumbs caught?

[PaulS]

Once you see it, you can't see it any other way!

 

[tariki]

9 hours ago, romansh said:

Is it with the punchline ... only if you get your thumbs caught?

No, not that one. (This is a family forum!)

😄